The truth is, I’m not really that good with most people, communication wise. They kinda scare me a little bit.
I often struggle to look most people in the eye, even as a passing ‘Hello’ or to give a smile, it just makes me feel an overwhelming sense of almost discomfort. A stomach turning feeling that I’d very much like to go away because I kick myself every time it happens.
Mostly because I’m imagining what they are thinking inside their head about me. I know. Trust me, I know that I really shouldn’t care but I overthink the negative feelings somebody could possibly think about me.
Do they think I’m ugly? Crap at my job? Rubbish at CrossFit? Have a weird dress sense? Do they see the redness in my cheeks? The slight chip in my front tooth? The sad face I have when I’m deep in thought?
Or do they simply just not care?
I wrote a post before on how I’m my own worst enemy and I would like to try and stop that filtering into my regular, everyday life and relationships.
I’d give everything to have the confidence again to walk into a room with my head high, big smile on my face and chat to everyone I encounter.
But, right now. I feel like quite often I can’t.
The worst part about it is, is that people will most likely pass it off as that I am arrogant, shy or even rude. 3 things I know I’m really not. I swear to god, I’m not.
It makes it hard to make friends and closer bonds, because people assume you’d rather just be left alone when the truth is you just don’t have the courage and confidence to spark up a conversation. In fear of rejection or disappointment. My head isn’t down because I don’t want to speak to you, it’s down because I’m afraid you’ll judge me for something I do or say.
When I think about the people who I’ve gotten close to in the past few years, 90% of them approached me in a confident manner and it’s as if that puts me at a weird sense of ease.
I suppose in saying that, it’s almost as if I wait to see how people act around me, so I know how to act around them. But I shouldn’t have to change who I am, to get people to like me – right?
There are very few people I can hand-on-heart say I can be my true self around right now, no question about it. They have somehow broken down my sky-high barriers; they know what conversations get me going and they can tell by my eyes how I am feeling.
But I don’t want to be like this. & I need to try to make small, simple changes to continue to try to get back to being my normal self.
I need to try and raise my head and open my mouth, before it’s too late, before people’s assumptions take over because like I said, I’m my own worst enemy.
It’s all a case of opening up about things and that’s exactly what 2018 has been. I’ve opened up to myself, friends & family and you, my readers, about my mental health struggles. & now I need to face them head on.
I guess now really is the time to open back up to the rest of the world and not keep myself as a closed book. To let everyone see the true me and not keep it hidden away.
Because, well, I’d like to think I’m a rather nice person.