We all have them. We look in the mirror, pick and prod at the insecurities that don’t make us feel good. But the mirror doesn’t tend to show me my greatest insecurities.
Some days I will wake up and feel incredible. I may have had a few good mental health days or kept on top of my eating habits that I’d promised myself I’d stick to this week. I’ll giggle along with friends with the biggest smile on my face, smash my workouts and feel like I can do anything I set my mind to.
The next morning, I’ll wake feeling anxious. A sicky turn in my stomach that makes it feel like everything that I had felt the day before was an utter lie and that it didn’t even really happen.
& I’m trying to learn to accept that.
I’m trying to accept that, right now, not every day is going to be a good day and it’s ok for that to happen from time to time. I’m trying to accept that all of this is only temporary and that better days are right around the corner.
But damn, is it hard.
It’s hard being so at war with yourself.
I feel like once I am ‘in’ my bad day/hour/moment, I’m set. No happy thoughts, cuddles or comforting words of advice will pull me out of it. It’s as if I have a tunnel vision of life that’s dark & cloudy and I struggle to see the light surrounding it.
The worst feeling that I feel during these times is worthlessness. I feel deeply like I am never going to be good enough; for my family, for love, for work, for fitness. I feel like everything that I try, I fail at and failing is one of my greatest fears, which seems to set off a whole spinning wheel of disaster.
But I’m learning to live through it, to try and live past it.
I’m trying to learn that I am worthy & I can achieve.
The journey to self-love and acceptance is hella slow, and it’s not purely an upwards incline. I’m constantly riding the waves that good and bad days bring. Trying to revel as much as possible in the good days and hold on to the emotions felt for as long as possible.
I’m very blessed to be surrounded by incredible people who lift me up and they constantly remind me that I need to be kinder to myself. & that in itself takes time and practice.
I want to learn to accept my body for what it looks like because lord knows, it ain’t exactly going to change overnight and it’s not going to change drastically in my life. I’m not going to wake up a few inches taller, thinner or prettier.
I was given this face and this body so I best ought to start to love it, right? Or at least, to try to? Maybe?
I best ought to love the lump in my nose, my one-dimpled smile, my stomach that looks third-trimester preggo after too much Chinese food or just a bit too much cheese.
This journey is more about the inside than the outside, it always has been. My body can barely change yet my mindset can take it one of two ways, so I know it’s my mindset that needs to alter.
I know I am my own worst enemy, but it’s so hard not to be.