Right, I’m psychic.
I must be.
I have this really annoying trait that I’m struggling to work with right now which is that I think I know what other people are thinking, particularly about me and the things that I do and say.
I know what you’re thinking (see), ‘Megan, put away your Crystal Ball. How could you possibly know something like that?!’.
My mind likes to think that it knows what is going on in other people’s heads and usually, it assumes that those things aren’t nice.
& do you know what? It can be really bloody exhausting.
I realised that my blogs right now are going a bit here, there and everywhere. From being bored of hating myself and refusing to shrink, it seems a bit strange going back down this anxious route of thinking already.
But that’s exactly what it is like when you struggle with a mental illness. It’s a whole wave, a loop-de-loop rollercoaster of emotion where you’ll have the highs and the lows. There are good days, there are fantastic days, there are meh days and there are down days.
I have just learnt how to roll with the punches. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to shy away from writing about this kind of stuff when it comes up. It’s not in my nature to just pretend like everything is ok when it’s not. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it flows through my writing too.
Writing has always been cathartic for me. It’s a way that I can express how I’m feeling and almost get things off my chest despite it not being directed to somebody else. Even if the words come out jumbled and don’t make sense, it’s nice for it to not be solely in my head. But I don’t just do it for me.
I do it for anyone else out there who struggles with the same or similar things. So that we can realise that we’re not alone in this and other people can feel this way too.
But if nobody can resonate, then I guess at least it’s out of my own head.
So going back to this ability I seem to have. Of thinking that I know what other people think and feel about me… Let me start by saying that this isn’t always a bad thing.
I feel like being more conscious of those around me and what they are thinking has made me somewhat kinder and aware of how other people are feeling.
I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the way that I do. So I always try to present myself as really open and approachable.
But at the same time, assuming that I know other people’s thoughts towards me can be so debilitating. To the point where I struggle to fall to sleep at night, I can sob uncontrollably and talk myself out of certain things.
When I have these imaginative stories and narratives playing out in my head, it can cause a number of things;
It stops me from doing things – I have literally been sat outside of the gym and thought, ‘I can’t go in there’. I have cancelled plans with friends or family. I have sat for an hour before going somewhere thinking about what is going to happen. I have pushed myself back or hid away from things that I love due to fear. (I’m actually doing this right now with the gym).
It stops me from establishing & keeping friendships – I have not messaged people for the fear of being annoying. I have not started conversations for the fear of coming across as too weird, boring, strange etc. I have literally isolated myself through thinking that nobody really cares or is bothered about me.
Ruminate, ruminate, ruminate – Both of the above points, in turn, lead me to a place where I sit and think and then overthink. I will ruminate so much that I’ll begin to pick my personality apart.
When I’m in this mindset, blame is something I put on myself a lot.
‘It’s my fault that our friendship fell apart’.
‘If only I wasn’t so pathetic, maybe I could go in there like any other normal person’.
Depending on how I’m feeling at the time dictates how quickly I can pull myself out of these thought patterns and it’s amazing to know that I can. There are times when I will be able to snap myself out of a negative thought pattern within minutes and then there are times when these incidents will last for days on end.
One thing that I’ve learnt is that I have to allow myself the time to feel these things and acknowledge that this. is. not. fact. It doesn’t represent what is actually happening.
How could I possibly know what is going on in someone else’s head? Perhaps they are thinking exactly the way I am?
I have a huge (ginormous in fact) tendency to read too much into things and have actually been told this by people close to me. I’m an over-analyzer of the finer details of an everyday conversation or situation.
I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. I simply have to let these thoughts flow and when they stop, acknowledge that again, these thoughts are opinions that I’ve made up and aren’t true, real life facts.
I have some coping mechanisms that I can use, but I just wish I could not feel these things in the first place. I think I’d be just that little bit happier, don’t you?
Anyway, I hope that all makes sense. Sometimes, thoughts that are in my head are much easier to put into words, this time this wasn’t the case.
But if you feel the same or have a similar vibe. I’d love for you to pop me an email on info@thumbelinalillie.com or message me over on Instagram for a chat. I promise I won’t think you’re annoying.