I get it. That might sound a bit extreme to some of you, but to other people, I feel like you may see where I am coming from, at least a little bit.
I feel like I have literally spent the last several years of my life really hating on ‘me’. But I don’t mean that this is a constant thing and I don’t always necessarily mean that it is always related to the way that I look either.
Let me explain where I’m coming from.
The above phrase feels like something I’ve internally repeated to myself for what seems like a lifetime. A constant questioning of what I’ve done, what I’ve said, what I look like or how I’m feeling.
‘Ugh, why didn’t you just say that if that is what you thought ?’
‘Ugh, why did you react like that, they probably think you’re really weird now.’
‘Ugh, why do my arms have to look like this in this type of sleeve?’
‘Ugh, why do I feel so lonely, I definitely don’t have enough friends. It’s probably because I’m…’
Welcome to an example of what goes through my brain every now and then. By every now and then, I mean a weekly basis at least. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family, great work environment, an incredible partner and the best of friends that don’t make me feel like an absolute turd all of the time.
But then again, I’ve got a history of beating myself down, ruminating over certain things and generally being my own worst enemy. But do you know what, at the grand old age of 26 (HA), I’m just a bit bloody sick of it, y’know?
I literally woke up this morning and the first thing I did was take a step in front of the mirror and check my stomach.
[A little bit of background, I’ve felt SUPER bloated the past few days when writing this. I’m very in touch with my menstrual cycle and how my body changes throughout it, but this was next level bloat. I mean at one point, I legit thought there was a mini Megan inside of me….]
I stood in the mirror, seeing how it looks, moving from front to side, sucking in and pushing out and literally thought to myself, ‘sod this’.
I’m so sick of constantly questioning myself and pointing the finger at me.
Questioning how I look from day to day, what I say to people and how I act. Questioning whether I’m doing the right thing or if I should be making more friends or if I should be pushing harder in the gym.
I spend more time THINKING about things after they’ve happened than actually doing them. I spend more time thinking about things I don’t like about myself as opposed to the things I actually do. I especially overthink every single thing that I have said in a conversation when I bet the other person isn’t thinking twice.
I guess I’m just tired of it. It’s worn me down for so long that I’m officially letting this hatred that’s been settling inside of me wave its white flag of surrender so that I can get back to life properly and start l i v i n g.
So I guess you’re ready for the big reveal of how I’m gonna move forward with my ‘love myself’ lifestyle and attitude, yeah?
Are you ready for this…
Wait for it…
I don’t have a clue!
I honestly don’t know what the next step of this journey is, but that’s alright. I’ve acknowledged that I don’t want these feelings to be present in my head as often as they have been, and I realise what a burden they’ve been to me.
That’s a pretty good first step to me.
I completely understand that this isn’t going to be an easy ride and I don’t expect that now that I’ve put my foot down with this way of thinking, that it’s going to just end there. That I can wave a swift goodbye to all these thoughts and live in a land of rainbows and unicorns. We all know that’s just not how life is.
I have some major internal work to do on rejigging how my brain works and thinks but I feel like writing this blog almost holds me accountable to the process.
I’m so ready for a lighter life and I hope I can do this.
I’d love to chat with any of you who have similar feelings of just feeling sick of thinking so negatively? Pop me an email on info@thumbelinalillie.com or send me a DM over on Instagram – @meganjanelillie.