TW; Eating Disorders, Weight chat
‘You’ve put on half a stone, is that ok?’ said the Nurse, a nervous, concerned look on her face.
No, that’s not a snippet from a book I’m reading, those very words were said to me earlier this week.
But bare with, this post isn’t exactly about weight but here’s the story that sparked this week’s musings…
It’s been over a year since I physically saw a Nurse regarding my contraceptive pill because of that virus that’s still flying around. So on Monday, I had to book myself a socially distanced appointment to do just that.
A bit of background on my weight; I’ve always weighed around the same (give or take a kilo or two) apart from the last year or so where my training has been more consistent. Because of my training efforts, I’ve put on a few lbs of muscle and have naturally become that little bit bigger.
Who’s bothered?
(Not me.)
I know how these appointments work, you get weighed, you get your blood pressure taken and the same old questions are asked. It’s usually an in and out, Bob’s-your-Uncle kinda thing.
I have previously ‘blind weighed’ at the Doctors because I just didn’t want to know for my own sanity. But this time, I roughly knew just how much I weighed anyway, so I hopped on the scales as per.
When the Nurse sat back down, checked my records, she said those very words and guys, I was SHOOK.
No questions about my lifestyle, hobbies, exercise etc. Just a ‘well, we did have lockdown’.
FYI; I trained throughout the whole of lockdown.
I couldn’t quite believe those words that came out of this Nurse’s mouth. Now, I’m in a good place right now, so it didn’t bother me in the slightest. But what DID bother me is the fact that she had commented on my weight as a whole. I just think it’s not on.
Can you imagine those words being said to someone who had/was having issues with food or an eating disorder? It could cause drastic, scary things to happen. I wouldn’t like to think of what would have happened to me if I wasn’t in a good headspace and I’d heard that.
It’s just not on, so here’s why I am REFUSING to shrink myself, in two ways.
First off, I refuse to ‘shrink’ myself to a weight/size/shape that any health professional, or anyone for that matter, deems as ‘normal’.
Because really, what even is this ‘normal’?!
Growing up, I have always been slim. I have always been ‘dainty’ being 5 foot, wearing floral dresses and a hell of a lot of pink (still do!). Constantly being described as… cute <face palm>.
[Cute isn’t a bad thing at all, I just found it patronising, personally.]
But after finding functional fitness and weightlifting, my body has COMPLETELY changed over the past few years.
My legs are chunkier, my butt is bigger, my shoulders are more muscular and my traps make me feel hella hench.
Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t some bodybuilder with buldging biceps (& it’d be ok if I was anyway), but what I’m trying to say is that I am in every respect BIGGER than I used to be.
& I AIN’T SHRINKING MYSELF.
All of these thoughts about shrinking myself (also inspired by Beyoncé’s ‘Flawless’ that came on my throwback Spotify playlist on the drive to the gym) got me thinking about other areas of life where I’m not willing to shrink myself anymore.
I am naturally quite a shy person when I first meet people. This is purely down to an anxiety of not being liked.
I have time and time again put myself in this little ‘box of quiet’ that is only every slowly opened to reveal who I really am when I feel comfortable to do so.
WHY. HAVE. I. DONE. THIS. TO. MYSELF?
I have literally shut off my opinions, quietened my voice and essentially shied away from being authentically me.
I have only shown people the ‘shrunken’ version of me. For the fear of being disliked.
I’m not doing it anymore.
Why should I have to hide the essence of who I am? My family love me for me, my partner wouldn’t be sticking around if I wasn’t who I am and I allow my friends to see every single inch of me and guess what? They’re still here too.
The past 3 weeks, I’ve written these ‘Sunday Musing’ style posts and they couldn’t have come from a more raw, real place inside of me.
Maybe it’s because I turn 27 in a few weeks, I’m starting to realise how closed off the past few years have been.
How much I damage I did to myself.
Well consider this my foot being put down.
Here’s to me, taking up more space than I ever did before.