Living In Lockdown Limbo With An Anxious Mind

‘Tighter lockdown restrictions likely to be announced on Monday’.

‘No. Don’t do that to me!’ was what I thought as I read the news headlines on Friday afternoon.

You know when people say to you ‘We need to talk later‘, and it’s the ‘later’ bit that really gets you? You begin to feel worried and frustrated, like what on earth could they possibly be going to tell you?!

I’ve felt exactly like that this weekend. So obviously, I’m writing about it.

My Two States of Mind

This past year has been difficult for us all in many different ways but with one common theme. When we slowly emerged from the nation-wide lockdown a few months back, I naively felt like we were almost there. I had that little bit of hope held tight to my chest that life was slowly returning back to normal.

I was back in the office, back going to the gym and seeing friends and family just that little bit more regularly (alas, from a distance and no hugs were involved – SOB). Apart from the distancing and mask-wearing, I felt like things were getting back to normal.

But we all know that’s not the case.

The past couple of weeks, I feel like I’ve been living in ‘Lockdown Limbo’ and have been completely torn between two states of mind that sound a little bit like this..

1. SOD IT. So many people are just doing what they want, seeing who they want, cuddling who they want, going where they want. Look, they’re not even wearing masks! Well, I know she’s in a local lockdown area, so what are they doing out with other people? They’re not abiding by the rules, why should I?! This shouldn’t stop me from LIVING my life! We can’t let it control us.
2. But, my grandparents. I don’t want to put them in any danger. I really don’t feel comfortable sitting in a room with a load of strangers for the sake of a drink or two. Ugh, I’ve already been to Tesco twice this week, I really don’t think I can manage another trip there. I really wanna go to ‘X’ but I don’t know what they’re systems are like. What if I got the virus? With my asthma, I’d be sure to struggle…

You see what I mean? It’s a complete and utter limbo. Although I’m definitely sitting 90% of the time in the latter, it’s almost like I have a little devil on my shoulder being like ‘go out, go do x, y and z’.

Just so that you understand my situation, I have been keeping my bubbles to a minimum, distancing as much as I can, wearing masks at every opportunity and just being careful in general. Disinfectant is my best beau right now.

But I feel like we’ve gotten to the point in the pandemic when nobody really has a clue what is going on and what is best to do. Who do we believe? What is really happening? Are we supposed to just ‘get used’ to how things are now? Is this really going to be ‘the new norm?’

[Cringe at that phrase that I hate so so much.]

Clinging On To Hope

I keep on trying to tell myself that this isn’t going to last forever. It surely can’t.

Yes, wearing a mask might be something that we bring into everyday life on the regular, but there are some positive changes that I am trying to focus on to help me get through this time.

I hope that this has brought people closer together despite seeming further apart most of the time. Although I treasured the moments I spent with family and friends before, I seem to be trying harder to make the most out of every single visit.

It’s allowed me the time to read! I don’t know how I thought I ‘never had the time’ before, but this year I’ve read 13 books so far – which is the most I’ve read since I was a teenager. I’ve loved escaping through the words of another.

I’ve realised how much I don’t actually need. Apart from the odd dress, gym wear and pieces of loungewear (and yes, now a Nintendo Switch), I have barely purchased anything this year. If anything, I’ve gotten rid of stuff and feel so much better for it!

Even my sleep has improved ever so slightly! Working from home can certainly be a blessing – that extra 45 minutes in bed is absolute bliss and sometimes is just what is needed!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to give consistent squeezes to my loved ones, jet off to a beach somewhere and feel comfortable going out in the busy public, but there are certainly some positives that I can take out of the situation.

I sit here anxiously waiting for what tomorrow brings and trying to tell that little rule-defying voice to do one whilst clinging on to the idea that this can’t last forever.

Can it?

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Although I’ve spent a lot more time indoors this year, the past four weeks have seen new blog posts popping up on here. It’s given me the push I needed to write again and share my feelings just as they flow.

The past month, I have written in a way that is ‘unapologetically me’. I don’t have the thousands of readers I did when I was a peak-of-my-career beauty blogger, but the conversations I am having are incredible.

So thanks for reading.

I’m not going to promise that these Sunday Musings will long continue but I’m enjoying it right now and I’m totally ok with that.