You have no idea how many times I’ve written & deleted this post. I’ve changed the title, the structure, the emotion behind it more times than I can count.
But I don’t think this can ever be done in a way that feels comfortable. Because comfortable isn’t something I want to be anymore, and it’s taken me quite some time to realise that. For being comfortable to me means two things; being complacent and being unchallenged.
Through my therapy and conversations with my closest loved ones, I have allowed myself time for reflection on the past few years and a number of realisations occurred. A few of those were realisations about myself that were hard truths to swallow and come to face with and some of which I didn’t think I’d ever be able to face.
I didn’t think I had the strength to.
I feel like, within the past two years, I changed a lot as a person. However, I felt like I did the opposite of growing; I shrunk. My dreams shrunk, my ambitions shrunk, my personality shrunk, my confidence shrunk.
& I have no idea why.
I had become a complete shell of myself right in front of my own eyes but had failed to notice it for such a long time. My guard was up, I removed myself from multiple social circles and situations and became somebody who I wasn’t. I just didn’t know it. Or was I just afraid to admit it?
Over the past few months, I’ve had some massive life changes. It’s as if someone threw a stick into the spokes of a bicycle I was riding, my whole life was completely thrown off track. I had officially hit rock bottom and there were a few times I didn’t think I would come back from it.
But I did.
It’s time for a fresh start. For new beginnings.
& I couldn’t be more excited.
I don’t look at the past with regret. I’m looking at it as lessons. Lessons to never put myself back into that place again. & what’s a better way to share a few of those lessons, than with you?
1; Be honest. With everything. With your heart, your head and all that comes along with them. There’s no shame in not wanting something anymore, or wanting to change certain aspects of your life. Be honest with yourself and those around you because not doing so can lead to hurt.
2; It’s ok to be selfish. Sometimes you just have to put number one first, no matter how much it sucks. I have always put other people’s thoughts and feelings before my own and I’ve well and truly learned that if I’m not feeling ok, it impacts every single aspect of my life. So I’m making sure I’m ok and that I’m happy.
3; Talk about it. I haven’t done this enough the past two or so years. I am known by my family and friends for keeping things bottled in tight until I explode. I guess this kinda goes hand-in-hand with the honesty thing but sharing your emotions, good and bad, can really help clear your head.
4; Step outta your comfort zone. I promise I’m not gonna be that person to mention this allllll the time, but CrossFit has helped me a lot and I have never really been a sport/fitness kind of gal. It forced me into a new situation, with new people, doing new things and has done wonders.
5; Know your worth. Even if other people don’t. I’m still, like, super shit at this – but realising and knowing your worth can be the biggest wake-up call you’ll ever experience. & that’s all I’m gonna say on that matter.
So here we are. Tears have been shed and decisions made.
Here’s to hoping that the future is going to be bright; I really can’t wait to see where it’s going to take me.