I have never been so up and down as I have in the past eighteen months. So what better way to get out everything that's in my mind than a blog post?
I have never been good with 'words' and by 'words' I mean expressing my feelings through conversation. Although I may seem like I am a naturally confident person, as soon as I am met with a situation where I have to express my feelings, I freeze.
But ask me again, give me fifteen minutes and I can gather my thoughts and write them down for you so that I can come back with some form of an answer. But when it's on the spot, oh no.
I have never worked well under pressure and I have never been able to deal well with surprises. Anything that throws me makes my chest beat faster and my palms get that little bit sweatier. I like to feel prepared for things.
When I think about - life - in the broader sense, I panic. I'm not prepared. I'm not ready. I feel like I struggle to find contentment.
It seems like at the moment, whenever I feel like I have found a happy medium of one aspect of my life, something is thrown into the mix to shake something else off balance. I'm not happy and I'm not content, but I so badly want to be.
I want to wake up and have DRIVE.
I want to go out and feel INSPIRED.
Don't get me wrong, some days I really do feel those things. Down to my very core.
Amidst work, relationships, fitness, and all the rest of it, I feel a great unbalance, disconnection and discontentment with blogging and have done for the whole of 2017.
It's been really difficult for me to find inspiration, which is strange as I have always found it in the smallest of places and things. I'm struggling to get the determination to make this, to turn this, this blog, back into something!
About eighteen months ago I felt like I was killing it. I was so on top of my blogging game, getting incredible engagement, doing amazing things and never wanting to stop writing.
I feel SAD that, right now, it isn't the case. But I'm getting there and I want to be there. I feel like that this was once predominantly a beauty blog and that isn't the case anymore either. I'll pop on a few reviews now and then and I'm still obsessed with red lipsticks and highlighters but I just want to express.
The only way how.
Through a different kind of 'words'.
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