It’s been 3 months since I last wrote something, and I feel like so much has happened in a short space of time.
Before I start this, a little PSA. When I experience things, for some reason afterwards, I like to write about them. It’s almost like finishing a chapter, or closing a book. It’s that big sigh of relief for me. I don’t have the readership I once did on this blog, but believe me when I say that this is for me just as much as it is for anyone else going through similar stuff.
If someone else can read this and be like ‘I’m not alone in this’ and understand that it’s ok, I’m content.
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They say that healing isn’t linear and that mental health is a journey, and well, the past few months have really proved that for me.
Despite the past 12 months being, well, you know how they’ve been, it seems like the last 6 months have been the hardest slog for me.
It all kicked off on my birthday last October.
I went for a walk with my partner, parents & dogs on the morning of my birthday and then went off home for the day. Restrictions meant I couldn’t spend any time doing ‘regular birthday stuff’ with my family. I sobbed. Like uncontrollable, really sad tears. Despite my incredible partner, I felt lonely.
The few weeks previous to that had been a big old build up of emotion that I can’t even describe. I didn’t feel myself. I was going through extreme states of dissociation, where I felt completely numb to every kind of emotion. Josh said it was like I was constantly miles away. There was no enjoyment for me anywhere. I didn’t wanna train. I didn’t wanna go out. I just wanted to sit (or rather lay) on the sofa.
I made a big decision on the eve of my birthday.
I did it, I called a local counsellor to begin therapy. I couldn’t go on like I was anymore, I felt like I’d completely lost myself again.
(Also, I understand that I am in a completely privileged position to go private. I’ve been on waiting lists in the past, it’s horrendous.)
The lockdowns, for me, have gotten harder and harder. My anxiety became way more heightened with every week and my mood on a downward spiral. I distinctly remember coming home from Tesco, trying to eat my lunch and just sobbing uncontrollably in a full blown panic attack. And with Christmas practically called off, I was inconsolable.
January came and I got that new lease of life everyone gets for a few weeks and then the raincloud returned but 10 times worse. I felt nothing. And it was scary.
After a discussion with my therapist, I rang my doctors to discuss antidepressants. At this point, I was willing to try anything to feel again.
The first few weeks were horrific (remember, every ones experience differs) and I had a constant metallic taste in my mouth along with feeling nauseas and twitchy. We would watch sad films and programmes and I barely batted an eyelid. It was as if I was just empty.
Then things settled. I guess the medication kicked in.
So, how am I now?
I feel more like me now than I have since this pandemic started. This whole year has been hell inside my head and at some points I honestly wasn’t sure how I would make it to the other side.
If I have a chemical imbalance to the point where I need these antidepressants right now, then I’ll be taking them for as long as I can.
Over the past few weeks I’ve felt a huge buzz inside of me, I’m excited for life after all this is over. I’m ready for what’s to come and through therapy and sitting with myself, I’ve learnt more in the past few months than I have in years.
I don’t have to explain myself to anybody. I don’t have to change who I am.
I honestly think this has 100% been down to the pandemic and lockdown restrictions. & I can’t imagine how many other people have went through similar struggles.
A huge thank you to Josh, my family & closest friends for pulling (or dragging!) me through this. Although I felt ‘lonely’, with you lot I knew I was never ‘alone’.
♥️